Fall 2011/1st. Winter 2012 It's around Halloween. Spirits are in the air. I awoke in the wee hour of the night. Headed to the living room. To my cd's. I reached out to an old school one I never knew I had and played it loud with head phones. My ears were blown away. I channeled Pink Floyd's drummer. Who does that?
Hard times keep coming. Where's the lemons. Where's the limes. I need aid. I have decided to always keep a bowl of them around, again*
Well, at least one or two. I wouldn't want the batch of overflow to spoil. No lemon should go bad. No lime either. The lemon tree very pretty, yes?I would love to have one or two. I'd mix it up. One lemon, one lime. I do still have my mango tree presently and yes it is a present...but for how long is uncertain.. I'll no longer have a yard to plant a tree in. No hope of one either. Either Either Either. Other...so many paths, so many choices, so many decisions, so much fate. Fate, Fiction, Non Fiction, Faith, Former, Future, Trying to go with the flow is exhausting! It feels good to have a faithful fun partner to pair up with. I don't have that any more either. I hate the word hate. The feeling of hate nauseates me. Presently, I feel sick, tired, sick & tired, fed up. disgusted, scared, strong. Hard times keep coming and tho once again I'm a mess I'm grateful to be a healthy mess for I know this too shall pass but a deeper despair has never ever been felt and I have felt already, my deepest dark. The light glows somewhere. I'm searching for it like the dawn of a new day or the light side of the dark moon.
There is a very awkward emotion vibrating off my feeling about Rod & all we were. Separately, collectively. The void, the dark void reverberates down my core which slides through the steep abyss called my body. My internal roller coaster has been activated whilst the stop button can not be located. So I breath. I breath through the awkward emotion vibrating off my feeling about all we had and were. I resolve again to cope with loss Yet again! I know how to by now trust me! Slow &steady I breath deep. I call on my warrior spirits to be on the ready. I never walk alone. It's a very energetically strong vibration in the air by my chakras. My fingertips are anxious. My left hand doesn't glide as easy. Moving like a spiny star fish which is not a fish at all. Its an invertebrate....invert...inverted spiney...love hurts. But it's okay because there is chocolate. There is even raspberry white chocolate. It's a stairways to heaven... to chocolate heaven...this ascent is so much better than the descent...Yum. Years of lightness and laughing replaced by yelling and yuck yet again replaced by laughter & light... I'm grateful for the shift past this present circumstance that appears unending...but is not. Change is near. Finally. It will be slow and steady and sure...the heat of these days are not as intense but the manual work that needs to be done is surely daunting. Daunting I tell you. Daunting. My yard has never looked worse and this wreaks havoc in the mind of a gardener. Havoc. I tell you. Can you see me. My left hand is upon my forehead and my chin is tilted to the sky in my most whoaisme scene. Scene # 75 if I were counting. The sweat drips down my hairline. A tear stays in my eye...my gut aches. I stand tall. Tired. Weak. Fragile. Vulnerable.The trash man goes by twice a week. I hear his truck. I only have one barrel now. Patience I tell myself. Patience. Aha...no worries...there is chocolate nearby.
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